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  • Listening to: Die & Rise - Lacuna Coil
clock’s ticking dry like a jaded spy
awaits here on the black frail chair
despise the fact that no one will come
though the doors are wide open, my love

i keep swallowing sweet lies at your goodbyes
watching own heart gets blackened to soaked ebony
sucking smokes of clouds enticing agony
you’re no longer remember me, my love

i can’t swim inside your mind, their locked
said you’re open to me but really not
once this boat’s crushed, you, i and the rest will diffused
i'll no longer be your Muse, my love

whispering voice clinging to ears, hear?
escorting sad little souls willing to sell
empty gold incantations of the past are finally spelled
to embrace your vividly blurry future next to hell, oh well…

  • Listening to: Frozen - Within Temptation
there was a time when i succumbed to things just to acknowledge the fact that life doesn't always give you sweet candies. or maybe i was hoping to gain a better, bigger something for me in return. in time, i then found out that it led to nothing but to swallow more bitter pills of life. it's crushing me from inside though i don't sense it oftentimes. i'm always being too naive, or even too proud of my own hypothesis, though i know it's not right. it saves only my angst, not my soul. i still nurture that beast inside me who keeps whispering dark things to my head. it successfully grow insecurity within me and tend to linger there permanently. i must have mistaken the meaning of succumbing from losing. now, no more solid patches i can catch. no more pieces of this broken entity i can save.

they're just ashes all over. saying that it's over.

it's over.

  • Listening to: Evolutionary - Cynic
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,
doo, doot doot dooo.
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,
doo, doot dooo

One of my fave songs by Desree... Yeps. Sometimes life can make us say "Oh" or "Yeah" or maybe we could just sighs about it. Life is a teacher, a game, a circuit, an insane existence, a roller coaster. Things change, so do people. And mine is one of them.

I never could figure how my life could be in the next years or in the next day. I remember the first time I opened an account here in Multiply, I was just a student and still got lots of academic achievement to reach. It was 4 years ago. And look at me now.

Married. A new mom. A good job (Alhamdulillah) and no longer a vocalist of Gelap.  Who could predict that? The ups and downs I've been through. And I can never be any more thankful to Allah for what I have achieved until now.

When the first time I met Die on June 2007, was when I watched his ex-band's gig - Purgatory - at Bulungan with some random friends who - ironically - have been separated now. Only one left to be my purest friend among the rest. Frankly speaking, I never had any special feeling to him. He's nice of course, but that was it. I had set my mind that I will only treat him like my other boy friends. He was (and still is) one of the purest boy friends of mine. Never had any hidden meaning when running the friendship with me. His ignorance yet gentle attitude. His down-to-earth style. His good and sometimes sarcastic sense of humor. All of them make me - and maybe his other friends - comfortable to hang out with him. Who knows what will happen to us?

And now he is my husband.

When I was still at colleague, I and my besties sometimes wondering who will be the one to get married. Those with unclear love status (and it was often me. Hahaha) were considered as those who will get married the latest. With my track record in love relationship, I failed many times. I'm not like Dian, the one who has been in relationship with her boyfriend (and now has become her husband) for 10 years! Or I'm not like Rae, the most picky girl I've ever known. For 6 years in colleague, she never had a boyfriend. Just a lil crush to this boy and a bit flirting to that man... But none left on her heart until she met Sidi, her husband now. Me? Oh, the dumb ass adventurer who will always ended up alone and broken. Yeah, I don't belong to hurt but belong to be broken (damn!).

Yet apparently, I was the second person among my besties who found my soulmate and got married.

When being offered a job in my office at 2007, I didn't have good feeling that I could raise my career here, regarding that the company I am working for is one if the biggest companies in Indonesia. At that time, I still studied at colleague and put my work as my second priority, because I still had to finish my final paper in order to graduate. Let alone the love relationship. Ever since I broke up with my serious ex-bf on 2006, I never... I repeat, I NEVER met a good man. I met lots of them, flirted and dated some of them, but they are all jerks. Until I met Die on 2007. So fuck romance at that time. I put my priority to my final paper and then on improving my career. The first position I came into was being a receptionist. Not much work, did not have to go overtime, but had to have a big BIG heart and a wide WIDE smile. I didn't complain anyway, with a loose job, I could sneakingly do my final paper while at work. And Alhamdulillah I could do it. Who knows that in the next month the HR Manager offered me for another position?

And now I have become the secretary of a Chief Communications & Administration Officer and do several stuffs of Public Relations duties, my field of expertise.

I love music. I do sing and I played guitar a bit on high school. I always desire to have a band. I have been in several bands until now. Pop, alternative and the latest was progressive gothic metal. I firstly met this (used-to-be) friend of mine at Senayan on June 2007, when we were watching a metal gig. She just formed a new band named Gelap then she gave me their single titled "Ashes". Frankly speaking, I did love the song. Not so long after that, she came to me and asked me to follow the audition for the second vocal in her band. Surprisingly, I was looking for friends to form a band after I graduated. Felt like fate, or maybe it was, I joined Gelap on July 2007. Lots of gigs, lots of new friends from the scene, lots of upsets for the jaded fee or the jaded gig committees, lots of member and manager changing. Who knows what happened 3 years later?

I was disbanded from the band for - IMO - purely personal reasons from her. I decided to cut  all form of relationship with her ever since.

Several years ago, I always thought that having kids is a disaster! Getting married is a suicide (Just like her writing. So representative. Like it a lot, sistah!). No more freedom in this world, my world. After getting married, I and Die had agreed to cancel the pregnancy. We wanted to extend our dating term and had fun as much as we could. But Lord, a motherhood is really a natural sense inside every woman alive, no matter how tomboy, how metal and how independent she is. Two months after married, I was BADLY craving for baby.

And now I have the most-handsome gorgeous creature on earth I can call as my child, Rayyan Widi Alastair.

Life. One I consider as a huge game of God. A game I must win. A game I must succeed in facing all the obstacles and booby traps inside it. A game I should find the runaway exit with a ticket written "Heaven" in it.

Life. The most logic thing that often drives people mad and un-logic. When foes become friends and friends become foes. Many things of life we cannot find the answer. It's beyond our competence. It's when God works.

But one thing I still believe in life is... miracle. When nothing else is sane enough to accept, miracle completes it. And I'm thankful for my miracles; Die, Little Rayyan, time, heart and wounds inside it.

"Time heals all wounds" -- Kikan Namara of Cokelat.

  • Listening to: The voice of the misty rain outside the window :)
  • Eating: Coki-coki
  • Drinking: Indocafe Coffeemix, yumm
I am now standing at the most fragile foothold
At the end of the bitterness, whereas you ever once stood in here too
Like you've thousand-ly told me

See? You love to be in the midst of ambiguities
And hurt people around you as you have done for so many times
Hung their hopes upon your covered nothingness
And they would put their tongues out for watching you fall
Waiting as they would waste their times
Time which keeps ticking as it eats you
And it eats them
And you will all root

Again, I'm still standing here at the most fragile foothold
Thinking of what could have been
I hate this vagueness and I hate my nothingness
It's like the way I hate to hurt as the way I really wish to hate you

But on the second of my paradoxical thought
Would that make any difference?
While hating is the most ambiguous thing I ever felt
I am most likely to step back and ramp off
I will fill my nothingness to something
Something certain
Yes, something unlike you

I'm setting myself to avoid hatred
One thing you love to do most
And I'm avoiding it
Avoiding you

~ G ~
  • Listening to: The voice of the misty rain outside the window :)
  • Eating: Coki-coki
  • Drinking: Indocafe Coffeemix, yumm
A glimmer burst in my eyes and drew vivid ray
When I laid back here and took breaths as they were all taken away
I tried to keep what I have with my remaining strength
Cause all I have had turned to something completely strange
My feet were walking in decent rhymes
My hands were swinging in solid blind
Stepping onto you, a stranger once were recognized
With glaring hazel eyes standing, waiting in disguise
Look at you, wistful-looking face…
I was simply thought I know you
Just by a second glimpse
I was thought you are true
My mind should now be hardened blackened as a rock
Should be enough of being deceived I could just do save skin and block
Hissing around as smell and silhouette came out
After for target that should be no one, should be none
But I kept walking onto you
Though somehow I knew you would never be true
I believed in false figure as I would never believe in anything else
I breathed in your air and dreamt in your sleep
When the light turned on, at forever last
You remained a mirage
I had my wake up
When were yours?
  • Listening to: The voice of the misty rain outside the window :)
  • Watching: Other DeviantArt's pages
  • Drinking: Indocafe Coffeemix, yumm
July 9, 2009.

My body was half solid

My breath was all toxic

This lying-under-surface beauty was forsaken

Appeared as if all were brusquely taken

I kept questioning myself

To the dark sky, to the blind wind

To the colorless rain with unbearable pain

To the smirking spy, with dreadful pale skin

Still, the answer was buried under my contra prediction

I could only make the unfinished conclusion

While she, standing on the breeze of the icy rooftop

Was coming closer, with pointing finger

The sound in my head was yelling some misspell words

Couldn't help it was just make things get worse

My feet were as heavy as they were stuck

The remaining voice sounded afar

Had to go and leave

Must not see

I bended not to the creepy lady

But there... she was finally here

Beaming as it wanted to say that this is my end

Yet here… I was staring there

Hoping for a way out the same time with hoping there will be something happen

Would I wait for her to strike me first?

Or would I not?

Fear had taken me, it made me blacked out

And for the sake of my sacred dried tears, I opened my eyes

I saw red, I saw eyes and I saw blood in my grasp

I saw you, lying there with no life

As I finally came back to the earth, grasping for more air

To be able to slowly pervade really

I knew you…I knew you...

I knew you…

PS: Based on my sweet nightmare couple days ago.
  • Listening to: The voice of the misty rain outside the window :)
  • Watching: Other DeviantArt's pages
  • Drinking: Indocafe Coffeemix, yumm
Night turns indulging butterflies

Moon ups and goes diversifying colors

I lay here waiting

You walk there seizing

Thousand times have I seen it


It feels like seeing for the first time

Watching what God could create

And it remains me for nothing to doubt

So why are you still there?

Come here

Do me.


  • Listening to: The voice of the misty rain outside the window :)
  • Watching: Other DeviantArt's pages
  • Drinking: Indocafe Coffeemix, yumm
She smiles so wide. The happiness is at hands when she finally can reach it, or she thinks she can. The dream seems so lucid and real she barely can touch and feel. She refuses any reality check from every known person. Welcoming night is all she is, stepping one-two-three with jumping heartbeat and flies in her belly. It is an Eden in her own world back grounded by a heaven in her own universe she built in an unpainted painting vase. Then she stops to have a look, in a minute... And the other minute.

Her smile becomes wider. She will keep it.

She is on her dream.

Dream on.

~ G ~
  • Listening to: Lady Gaga - Just Dance!
I'm at Minangkabau International airport right now, waiting to board to go back to Jakarta. Starting days of routine as I usually waste my age to, as you all do as well... *sighs*

Been going to Bandung, Bali and Padang for the past year, I think this is the end of my fun adventure trip, at least for this year. My pregnancy is getting bigger and riskier now that it doesn't allow me to have a far trip anymore. I should put my pregnancy as top priority now and no excuse for that.  I haven't seen my obstetrician again while my pregnancy is now passing the week 9. My nausea is still killing me (as usual) and I'm suffering a food disorder now. Not because I do diet (and I must not do that while being pregnant), but because suddenly I loathe all scents of food and dislike lots of food, which is not something I used to do. Being pregnant definitely ruins all my daily activities and routines. In Bali, I couldn't do parasailing and bungee jumping while those two things are in my top to-do-list-in-life. In Padang I couldn't enjoy having culinary hunting because of this sudden dislike-ness.

If I don't keep reminding myself that this is all worth it, I would call this as a heavy disaster! I never can imagine how a pregnant woman feel during their pregnancy, even after hearing some of my mommy-friends' stories about facing their pregnancy stages for more than 9 months. And now, being pregnant for two months has giving me so much things to learn and consider. The one hardest fact to face is this: that I am now officially bound. Neither a relationship nor a marriage could bind me from being me, literally... But a pregnancy could bind you in an absolute way. No escape, no compromise... I am now officially bound, everyone. This lil thing inside my embryo has succeeded in making me pulling over anything aside and put this thing in front all of 'em.

And this is not my whining heart tale. At first, I thought I was gonna be so. But a miracle (let's say so) happened, I never complain anything because of it. I am happy... hmm, nauseously happy actually (heheh..). I'm this close to officially announce about my life being perfect. I can wait, I will wait... 7 months ahead should be something not so hard for a hard-head like me (lol). Plus, everyone around me now loves me even more than before. My husband, parents, parents in law, brothers, sisters in law, friends (true ones as always), and cousins and even my lil niece and nephew.

I should learn from this new experience. I should take all good things behind, beyond and underneath it. Being bound is not always bad, because to be bound with someone / something you're in love with – even when you haven't seen her / him before – is not something bad at all. I'm falling love with this new thing inside me, though we never seen each other, but I know that – somehow – this baby-to-be loves me too. I wish...

And so the miracle is still going.

~ G ~

Saturday, Sept 26th

14:30 – Lounge

Minangkabau International Airport